i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
