hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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