I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
