so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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