My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
