i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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