GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize