Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
