C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
