After last night, I could never be a politician.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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