it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
