In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
we should paint friendship bongs
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
