i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
