Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
