why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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