The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
