there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
