I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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