Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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