We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
