I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
