Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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