He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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