this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize