Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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