everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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