I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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