BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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