I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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