I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
