I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
