I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
