Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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