fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
