I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
