Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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