we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
