ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
