my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
