This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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