I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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