what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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