I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
