Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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