White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
