i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
