She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
