Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize