I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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