after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
