Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize