We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
