I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
