I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
