Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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